The Most Important Conversation

by Les and Leslie Parrott

The world's longest marriage was celebrated recently. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Lee, 91, and Kim, 95, from South Korea enjoyed their 82nd wedding anniversary at a festive event with their 5 sons, 3 daughters, and 105 grand- and great-grandchildren. On their anniversary, the world's longest married couple was given 82 roses and other special gifts-including hearing aids. After more than eight decades of marriage they were getting hearing aids! Guess they wanted to be sure they still wouldn't miss a word.

Can you imagine the number of conversations this couple has shared? In all of those years, they must have touched on every conceivable topic spouses could discuss. But this record-breaking marriage made us wonder: Did Lee and Kim ever pay attention to a conversation they may not have even known they had? The conversation few couples notice? A quiet conversation happens every day in all marriages and usually goes unnoticed. Yet it's the most important discussion you ever have because the words linger longer, are felt more deeply, and determine the marital closeness or distance you feel. This is the conversation you have with yourself when your partner isn't listening-your relational self-talk.

The Surprising Things You Tell Yourself Each of us has an unending internal dialogue that colors every experience in our marriage. Self-talk doesn't involve prior reflection or reasoning, and it often isn't even accurate. But our mind still reacts as if it's total truth. These thoughts we rarely notice continually shape our attitudes, emotions, and outlook. Imagine that at the end of each week you slip a microchip into a computer and it tabulates everything you thought that week about your spouse and marriage. Now imagine you and your partner studying that list. What would you find? First, you'd be surprised by what you heard. You might find, for example, that you give your partner internal compliments he or she never hears. I love it when she wears that dress. He's brilliant with the kids. But you may also be shocked to find how much you grumble. He cares more about his car than me. She's so careless with our money.

This kind of self-talk sets up impossible standards and tears down your spouse for not meeting them. According to some experts, as much as 77 percent of our self-talk is negative. One negative thought can destroy dozens of positive ones. Imagine the impact this has on a marriage-how it ultimately hinders the kind of connection you want to have with each other. That's why it's vital to monitor your inner voice.

One Friday night, our friend, Donna, wanted her husband, Tim, to suggest a fun restaurant for dinner. After all, she thought, we've both had a tough week. He'll realize that I shouldn't make dinner tonight. We can take it easy. "But I didn't say anything," Donna confessed, "because I thought, He should initiate it. He should know." When Tim didn't suggest going out to eat, Donna angrily heated leftovers, and thought, He doesn't want to spend time with me. He doesn't care about me. During the meal Donna's sulking increased when Tim didn't ask her about her day. The rest of the evening Donna avoided Tim. Why? Because "a woman shouldn't have to ask her man to talk to her." On top of that, she told herself, If he really cared about me he'd want to find out how I'm doing. She threw a pity party, and he didn't even notice. "I sat there feeling rejected and depressed. And I thought, he's so selfish."

Improving Your Inner Voice
If Donna monitored her self-talk, she would have realized she was being her marriage's own worst enemy. While she wanted to connect with her mate, she ended up trying to punish him for not reading her mind. Think of how her mood-and the evening-would have changed if she'd countered her negative self-talk with positive, more rational self-talk: "He doesn't know I'd like to eat out." Or "Just because he doesn't initiate a conversation right now doesn't mean he's not interested in me." Sure, it may take some mental muscle to conjure these thoughts, but aren't they more accurate? More rational? Negative relational self-talk is a tool the enemy of our souls and marriages uses to steal our joy and destroy our relationships. Let's "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5), so we can have stronger, more fulfilling marriages.

Les and Leslie Parrott direct the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Learn more about them at www.RealRelationships.com.

Holiness Today, September/October 2004

 

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