Because I Said So

by Patty Nelson

How many times have we, as parents, resorted to saying this phrase to our children in exasperation only to remind ourselves scoldingly that once again we copped out and let our kids down by not explaining our expectations.

Or how often do we find ourselves verbally running around in circles with our kids (or feeling like they are verbally running circles around us) in our effort, as well-meaning parents, to help them understand why it's important that they brush their teeth (or whatever else we need them to do)?

 The frustrated mother of a 7-year-old described to me her efforts of get her son to understand the resulting cost of cavities and dental care and the negative social implications he risked facing in life if he didn't brush his teeth every night. This approach didn't work and it never occurred to the mother that it was okay to exert her authority over the child with confidence and without explanation. This dance can happen between parents and the youngest of kids-as early as the child is able to utter the words "no" or "why."

There has emerged in our society a child-centered approach to the behavioral challenges of children in our homes and schools that focuses on the child's behavior as his or her own choice. We offer the child options. We have begun teaching they are to consider the consequences of their "act" before acting. Then, when they act, they will have consequences either good or bad to face as a result.

Often, the reality is that the well-intended consequence is either watered down or never actually occurs. Even when an appropriate consequence is implemented, I'm concerned about the lesson being learned by the child. I have become increasingly convinced that the accepted notion of a child's behavior being his or her own 'choice' has done damage to our families and schools, and potentially to our society at large. I have seen the evolution of this approach to our children from my own personal perspective as a mother of four, a Sunday School teacher, a school advocate, a child and family therapist, and a casual observer in our local Wal-Mart. The concept has some positive elements and sounds really good on the surface.

The child is learning personal responsibility for his or her behaviors, the child is encouraged to not blame other for their own actions, and the child is learning that there are consequences to their actions. What can possibly be wrong with this approach?

When I was growing up in the 60s and 70s, our parents were beginning to be challenged by this more child-centered view. In the 50s, it was seen as good parenting to stand in authority over our kids and it was expected that our children would accept that authority without question, both at home and at school. If kids were disruptive in school, they often faced the dreaded "belt" or "switch" when they got home.

I am not in any way suggesting we go back to threatening our kids with or using "the belt." Maybe at that time we went too far in stifling our kids' questioning. Quite possibly this approach in the extreme actually taught our children very little about making decisions for themselves and when the authority figure was removed, the child was at a loss when it came to decision-making. Maybe the mothers of that generation said that awful phrase "because I'm your mother and I said so" too frequently.

However, it seems that the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction when even occasionally uttering that phrase is a reason to beat ourselves up and feel like we have failed as parents. It seems to me that the pendulum needs to swing to a more balanced approach between the two extremes. The problem I am seeing with parents today, and I'm talking about involved, caring, committed parents, is that they seem to be looking for permission to exert their God-given authority over their children.

In my therapeutic practice, I have frequently seen a look of great relief and even surprise on the faces of parents when I encourage them that it's okay to "lay down the law" in their home and "require" that their children do the very things they least want to do, without explanation. Parents frequently ask if requiring their children to do challenging chores around the house is okay out of fear of working their kids too hard or not allowing them enough fun time, as if somehow this would damage the child. Now the chores I'm talking about are not chopping wood or roofing the house. We're talking about taking out the garbage and cleaning a bathroom. If my conversations with parents are any indication, doing the dishes seems to be one of the biggest battlefields in homes today.

There is also the fear of damaging the child's self-esteem that usually goes hand-in-hand with today's child-centered approach to parenting. I am all in favor of imparting our beliefs and values to our children by allowing them to question our decisions in a respectful manner. These are often the teachable moments we want to take full advantage of. However, I believe that kids need to know that there will not always be a nice, neat explanation for why they have to do certain things or behave in a particular way.

Also, I believe that we do not owe our children an explanation every time them ask for one. Often, the reason we are requiring a certain behavior from our children is beyond their understanding at their current stage of development. There need to be times when the only reason a child has to do something is because an authority figure required it of them. Or in everyday terms, "because I'm the mom and I said so." Let's dissect the "choice" behavioral approach. What are some of the negatives and how could this possibly be damaging to children, families, schools, and the culture at large?

Let's look at this from the child's perspective. This is difficult for me because I was rarely given a choice in deciding my own behaviors as a child and the whole concept of even having a choice was foreign to me. In the most basic scenario, a child reaches for a cookie that they have been told they are not allowed to eat. The child-centered mom, who wants more than anything to be the best possible mother, says to the child something like "Mommy told you no cookie before dinner. You need to make a good choice." I have actually witnessed mothers talking to their 3-year-olds this way. The child looks at Mom and looks at the cookie. The child takes the cookie and sticks it in his or her mouth.

The typical mother is merely going to scold the child and may be threaten that they can't watch their favorite TV show that day. She might even follow through and take away whatever privilege she has chose or use the popular time-out consequence. What has the child learned through this process? The child has learned that he or she holds complete and total decision-making power and authority their life and that if they choose to disobey the authority figures in their life, it's an equally acceptable decision as obedience as long as they stop to consider that there may be a negative consequence to follow.

This idea of children being offered choices that they alone hold the right to decide between is devoid of a foundation that acknowledges the existence of absolute right and wrong. Right and wrong are instead within the child and totally subjective. The child becomes an authority over himself. There is no "brick wall of authority" that the child cannot get around. If mom labels one choice as the "bad" or "wrong" choice, it is still inferred in this approach that either choice is acceptable for the child to make as long as they are willing to tolerate the consequence. Is also leaves the choice-making to the discretion of the child's own reasoning and ability to control his or her own impulses.

Let's take this to the next level. The child is in elementary school and another kid has left some money in plain sight on his or her desk. The child is left to their own reasoning and choice in that brief moment when deciding whether to take the money that doesn't belong to him. There is nothing else to consider but the child's own choice. There is often no sense of a 'brick wall of authority' at home that requires that the child obey the rule against stealing that has been set by the school. There is just a possible negative consequence to consider.

I have laughed with friends who remember, as I do, growing up with a healthy fear of our parents. Of course they didn't beat us, but there was no doubt that the parents were the authority in the home, not the children. Unfortunately today many children are not given the gift of belief in a just God who gave us the Ten Commandments without asking what we thought about them first and Who fully expects us to obey them. In Exodus 20:15, God says "Thou shalt not steal." We know, as Christians, that we can trust that God is good and that everything He says or does is for our good and His glory. If we believe that He is the ultimate authority of the world, we are willing to obey the Ten Commandments "just because He said so."

Sometimes that has to be enough of a reason not to do something. Even if the child knows in their moment of decision that Mom would consider taking the money to be a "bad" choice, the kid has been given the sense that he is at the center of his universe and is his own authority. The choice he makes is totally and completely his own to make. He only has to consider that there may be a consequence to pay, if he gets caught. If he doesn't get caught—no consequence. If we take this child-centered approach into the teenage years-and by then it is deeply ingrained into the child's core belief about who they are in the world-we have teenagers "choosing" to fearlessly stand up to teachers and an educational system that is considering ways to deal with the very real threat of a kid coming to school with a loaded gun. I have been floored by some of the suggestions being thrown around as ways to deal with the "bad" choices kids are making that sometimes result in violence.

One suggestion was that a loaded gun be placed in a lockbox in every classroom. Rather than take a good, hard look at why many kids have so little respect for authority figures in our society today, we'd rather arm our teachers and prepare them to have a shootout in their classrooms.

Now, I know I've jumped to an extreme scenario, but as a parent I have had days in the past few years when I decided to keep my daughters home from middle school and high school because we were notified of a gun threat at their school. My daughters' high school has armed police roaming the hallways and only one bathroom in the large school is unlocked for use during the school day due to recent threats of violence. Where is the immovable, brick wall of authority that kids have no doubt they will run into if they even get close to escalating to this point?

Unfortunately, in many cases the very first brick wall of authority kids ever run into in their lives is the police or their own death. What do I propose as a solution to the situation I have described? The only thing I know for sure is that parents need to fearlessly and unapologetically reclaim their authority in the home. That's the first step. I don't ever advocate physical punishment because of the danger of taking it too far, although personally all four of my children experienced controlled spankings in their early years. I encourage parents that it's okay to require behavior from your child just because "I'm the parent and I said so." There's a time and place for this brick wall of authority to come into play and for the child to be required to submit to it without explanation.

Also, I tell all parents I work with that even if they don't go to church themselves, their children need to be taught that there is an authority greater than their parents. At the very least, every parent needs to send their child to the church or synagogue of their choice where they are given a foundation for belief in a good and just God who is the authority over all. As Christians, we know that the best and most effective scenario is for the whole family to go to church every Sunday and for the parents to acknowledge the authority of God in their own lives. However, we in the church can stand in the gap for kids whose parents drop them at the door for Sunday School or Vacation Bible School.

For every parent out there reading this, I am here to tell you that you have been given permission (and responsibility) by God to say to your child "because I'm the parent and I said so" without apology and without beating yourself up. You hold the position of authority in your home and your child needs to know it.

Patty Nelson is a child and family therapist with New Beginnings Therapy Services, Inc.

Holiness Today

 

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