Forum: March/April 2008

Q: My husband and I lost our son in 2006 due to an accident. Our church doesn't have a support group and we feel people really don't understand what we are going through. Everyone told us it will get better with time. Well, that is not really true. I really don't know what to do. Why did this happen? A: Our son Mark died in an accident on May 20, 2002. Struggling with "why" is common for anyone whose loved one has died. We question why one dies and others survive. Grief is a normal response to a recognizable loss. Gradually, over time, grief usually subsides. Be gentle with yourself. Don't expect too much too soon. Often we expect ourselves to be strong for others. Although a healthcare chaplain, I wasn't able to be as strong as I would be normally in those early months or even during the first year. or Some days, I was able only to read a psalm of lament and weep aloud behind my closed office door. Grieving is work that involves emotions, pain, and tears. Less than a month after Mark died, my wife, Jodie, asked, "When will the memories be pleasurable and not painful?" Over five years later, many memories still prompt tears. It's helpful to give yourself permission to grieve. We've suffered deep, lasting wounds— we have a right to grieve. We need time, space, and safe people to help process our feelings. Grief knows no timetable. While there may be no right or wrong ways to grieve, I believe that there are healthy and unhealthy behaviors. Grievers may eat more or less, sleep more or less, or use prescription medications. Physicians often prescribe anti-anxiety medications or anti-depressants. These may provide temporary relief, but they're not healthy long-term solutions. They will not resolve your grief. Many hospices have open bereavement groups that welcome anyone who has experienced a death. Google "Compassionate Friends" or "Bereaved Parents" to find resources on-line. Eventually grief does subside, but feelings may get worse before they get better. Sometimes the second year is harder than the first. Grief is like a rollercoaster—you're moving smoothly when suddenly, there's a huge drop, a mighty twist, or a great turn. Your stomach and emotions react accordingly. On one hand, you will never recover from the death of your son. On the other hand, you will survive this tragedy. From personal experience, most days are good, some days are okay, and a few days are still horrible. Grief is like a wound that bleeds, forming a scar that remains forever. Most times, the scarred area doesn't hurt unless it is bumped just right and throbs again, as much or more than the moment it was first wounded. Your son's death is a deep, painful wound to your emotions and spirit. As I've matured in the faith, struggling with questions has become as important as finding answers. God is great enough to struggle with us in our questions.—pp Q: Does living under "grace" mean that "law" no longer matters? A: This issue can be confusing for Christians who don't understand the background of some of Paul's New Testament statements. (Examples are Romans 6:14; Galatians 2:21; 3:18; Ephesians 2:8-9.) Three points of misunderstanding commonly cause this confusion. First, some of Paul's contemporaries—some, but not all, Pharisees—thought God gave the Law to ancient Israel for the purpose of salvation. This would imply that God's salvation for anyone, Jew or Gentile, would come through observing the Law. The Old Testament, though, does not say or even imply that. God first delivered Israel from bondage in Egypt, then offered to be their God and take them to be His people. Only after they accepted, did God give them the Sinaitic laws. Salvation always has been by God's grace through faith. This leads us to the second point. The Hebrew word torah (tow-RAH) often is translated "law." A better translation is "instruction." Torah includes, but is not limited to, legal material. By Paul's day, "the Torah" meant what it usually means today, the first five books of the Old Testament. Even this, though, is only about one-half "law." The rest is instruction of other kinds, mostly narrative accounts of the Patriarchs and of Israel before the Israelites reached Canaan. The half of the Torah/Pentateuch that is "law" includes the Ten Commandments, the liturgical, civil, and criminal codes, and other legal material. What was and is its purpose? This is our third point: The purpose of ancient Israel's law was (and continues to be, though not now always "literally") instruction for a people in how to live together and with God. Initially, the Torah was designed to teach Israelites to live as pioneer farmers in Canaan's hill country, growing, raising, and making nearly everything they needed. Every community, large and small, needs such cultural instruction, but it has nothing to do with "earning" salvation. Like ancient Israel, and as the people of Paul's day, we are not rescued from death by the law. Our salvation, too, is in Christ. Moreover, much of God's instruction for ancient Israel in the Torah, we could only observe literally today if we moved to Israel and farmed there. But the instruction can still be very useful in helping us understand principles of how God wants us to live in relationships of shalom (peace and wholeness) with God and with each other.—jc
Resources: Psalms of Lament, Ann B. Weems Lament for a Son, Nicholas Wolterstorff The Worst Loss, Barbara Rosof Holiness Today, March/April 2008